2016 Power Rankings-Week 12
Introduction Dearest Plebeians, I write you today from my ivory tower atop the standings. I have seen the other side and it is glorious. As the only team guaranteed a playoff spot I have to tell you I am loving it (ba da ba ba ba). I feel like I am the hot girl that gets to cut the line to get into the club while the bouncer has all of you standing outside in the frigid cold. The only problem is my team is like the hot girl who may have HPV. Yes, with an absolutely jaw dropping victory in week 11, GBM becomes the first team to clinch a playoff berth. One more win in their next two games will also clinch them a bye spot. But all jokes aside, this is not the time to get penisy for Blow Me. All season GBM has been graced by the Fantasy Gods. They have had a schedule easier than Hermione Granger after chugging Amortentia.* If they are to make a run, a free pass to the semifinals is absolutely required. Winning three in a row at this time of year is no small feat. This week we also say goodbye to two teams who had big dreams coming into this season. To start the year I asked ten questions, two of which we can now definitively answer. This is not the year Jared sees his third straight Championship GAme and this time emerges victorious. This is not the year Chris proves last year was a fluke and shows everyone that the best draft can lead to the best season. Eight questions still remain unanswered, and week twelve may only further shroud the fate of us all in mystery. *Amortentia is the most powerful love potion in the Wizarding World. Read a fucking book for me one time. Best Day EVER! GBM has now faced the worst game for a team in 36% of his matchups while not facing anyone's best game. Trade Tracker Trade tracker is keeping us apprised of the ramifications of the trade between Paddock 9 and MMMS. In the first and third columns, the points scored by traded players in starting lineups (if they are benched, those points are not tallied). Per player average took the total points and divided by the total number of starts so far. For example, P9 has started Denver D thrice and Landry thrice, so six starts total. MMMS has gotten nine starts out of the four acquired players. Points Per Week If you felt like this was a high scoring week, that's because this was a high scoring week. The highest scoring since the byes started in week four. Below is a chart that shows the total points scored per week. Stat Notes I didn’t get all the stat stuff done in time because of this Thanksgiving thing going on so I have one less day than usual to get this sucker out. * GBM becomes the sixth team to reach 40 combined wins. * Momma becomes the sixth team to reach 40 combined losses. Power Rankings 1(4). X - Garoppoblow Me Magic Number - CLINCHED (1 for a bye) Clinching Scenario - Needs a win OR losses by RIP, MVP, and Shotti to clinch a bye. Bench Points - 74.66 TPS - 293.54 APT - 5-3 GOT - 9 PUTenP - 3 POTweP - 3 2015 Week 12 Ranking - 3 GBM is balancing a fragile ecosystem. Sort of like the Great Barrier Reef, GBM will need all the help they can get to stave off extinction. On the one hand, their per game average has gone up in the second half of the season and they are three wins away from a Championship (1 regular season and two playoff, or three playoff if they go 0-2 to end the season). On the other hand, Gronk is as delicate as Nate’s ego and is about to miss yet another game. In week two GBM lost because Woodhead with a torn ACL. The Fantasy Gods made up for the slight in week twelve when AJ Green took the entire game off with a hammy injury. The goose egg was a gift GBM needed. If AJ had only performed at 10% capability Shotti still would have won. How much longer can GBM survive by being gifted with shit games from their opponent? Still, impressive 218 without Gronk thanks to Bell and Crowder, the league’s top scoring RB and WR in week twelve. ---- 2(2). RIPDab Magic Number - 2 Clinching Scenario - Needs a win and a loss by Papa’s Posse Bench Points - 36.03 TPS - 235.23 APT - 2-3 GOT - 6 PUTenP - 3 POTweP - 4 2015 Week 12 Ranking - 5 I finally figured out what this team reminds me of. RIPDab is like Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar when he is trying really hard to lie but the truth keeps coming out anyway. The result is this odd externalized conflict with funny faces and obnoxious sounds. Sure, they took care of business this Sunday against a MMMS team that beat their projection and still only scored 178 points. But they didn’t break 200 and would have lost to five other teams. As a bonus, Bernard went down with a torn ACL so now RIP doesn’t have to worry about making the incorrect decision when choosing his Bengal’s RB of the week. Defensive streaming has improved in recent weeks while it looks like Dak is the QB of the future for Dab. But maybe the truth is this team is hit or miss at a time of year when they need to be all hit. ---- 3(1). The Shotti Bunch Magic Number - 1 Clinching Scenario - Win OR losses by Papa’s Posse and Deez Sons of Bitchez Bench Points - 22.93 TPS - 226.56 APT - 3-3 GOT - 11 PUTenP - 4 POTweP - 4 2015 Week 12 Ranking - 1 TSB is slapped down off of his perch like a peregrine falcon being beaten down by a parakeet. GBM came out on top thanks in no small part to the loss of Green and McCoy during the 1pm games. Considering the loss of Woodhead in week two gifted Shotti with Melvin Gordon, there is some poetic justice to them losing in week 12 under similar circumstances. But make no mistake about it, this team is not going away. They still almost won, even with a zero in the lineup. With news hitting that Green may be back in time for fantasy playoffs, I imagine a few of us needed to be talked down off a ledge this week. I get the feeling that Shotti is like Neo when he gets riddled with bullets and responds by literally jumping into someone and blowing them up from the inside out. Shotti, who has lost at least four games in every season but never more than six, has never lost three in a row but has also never beaten Jar Jar Stinks. ---- 4(3). HELLEVATOR MVP Magic Number - 1 Clinching Scenario - Win OR losses by Papa’s Posse and Deez Sons of Bitchez Bench Points - 95.70 TPS - 328.82 APT - 3-2 GOT - 8 PUTenP - 2 POTweP - 4 2015 Week 12 Ranking - 6 MVP might not be getting the respect they deserve, but win against Paddock 9 in week twelve and this team is going to skyrocket to first or second in the rankings. Their TPS has been through the roof multiple times this season. And because of the scheduling, a win this week assures that their week 13 match with Shotti is for a bye, regardless of the outcome of Shotti’s game. Not only that but if they are to win and GBM loses, they could knock GBM from first to third. TE is a glaring weakness but with flex spot performances from guys like Steve Smith SR they are able to make up for lack of production. People forget just how good this team was in its prime, but like the Cowboys it seems the boys are...back in town. Threat Level nearing midnight. ---- 5(5). Paddock 9 Magic Number - 2 Clinching Scenario - Win and losses by Papa’s Posse and Deez Sons of Bitchez Bench Points - 0 TPS - 228.63 APT - 4-3 GOT - 7 PUTenP - 3 POTweP - 6 2015 Week 12 Ranking - 10 Move over Blake Bortles: Aaron Rodgers might be the new garbage time king. In each of the past five weeks Rodgers has gone over 44 fantasy points, and has only won one game. But the schedule gets tougher from here, with Philly Houston Seattle guaranteed to take A-Rod down a notch. There is no way to understate this: week twelve’s matchup with MVP is the biggest matchup in this team’s history. Which team will show up. In losses this season, P9 is averaging 194.92 points. In victories the team is averaging 224.51. Beating Peeled by 73.06 was a needed confidence boost as they head into a ruthless two-game stretch to end the year (combined record of 15-7). ---- 6(6). Jar Jar Stinks Magic Number - 2 Clinching Scenario - Win and losses by Papa’s Posse and Deez Sons of Bitchez Bench Points - 23.55 TPS - 252.51 APT - 2-4 GOT - 7 PUTenP - 3 POTweP - 7 2015 Week 12 Ranking - 8 There is a new Papa in town, and he “Stinks!” Jar Jar took out the old guard and protected their fort in the 5th seed of the standings. Jar Jar, despite winning two straight, is still one loss away from spiraling out of control. Luck in concussion protocol does not help, but man are these wide receivers good. And with the point advantage over Dee and Papa, they may need to go 0-2 and have one of those two teams win out in order to not get in. People, we might be seeing a new playoff team this season. There is now only one team in the league that Jar Jar has yet to beat: HELLEVATOR MVP. And it is a team they could potentially be facing in the opening round of the 2016 playoffs. ---- 7(7). Papa’s Posse Elimination Number - 2 Elimination Scenario - Loss and wins by Dab, JarJar and Paddock 9 Bench Points - 26.05 TPS - 222.03 APT - 3-5 GOT - 6 PUTenP - 3 POTweP - 4 2015 Week 12 Ranking - 7 Here lies Papa’s 2016 season. Papa was the proud father of the first place Garoppoblow Me. Papa will be remembered fondly for their 2011 championship. Cause of death: utter destruction at the hands of Jar Jar Stinks. Okay so, it wasn’t a blowout. But take away Kelley’s 47 points and it really was. What the fuck is up with these QBs? Stafford and Palmer both really sucked. Gurley still cannot reach his projection. Olson has been a major, MAJOR, MAAAAAAJOR disappointment down the stretch. Sproles broke his rib. I mean the team is in disarray. They need to take down the first place team this week to even keep pace with the 6 seed, and probably needs two wins and some help to even sniff the playoffs. But don’t feel too bad for Papa. Yes, I know we all secretly root for his success unless you’re his worst enemy (Nate, Chantel, Papa himself?) but he has a trophy. Four teams currently in playoff position do not. And do not count them out yet. Papa is 6-3 in Weeks 12-13, 6-1 if you take away their 2013 season. ---- 8(8). Deez Sons of Bitchez Elimination Number - 2 Elimination Scenario - Loss and wins by JarJar and Paddock 9 Bench Points - 51.70 TPS - 249.64 APT - 2-5 GOT - 5 PUTenP - 1 POTweP - 4 2015 Week 12 Ranking - 4 How preposterous that this game was basically over before it started? Six of their 11 players went on Thursday night. SIX! And oh my god, there is no question now: Hopkins is the biggest first round disappointment of the year, right? He is so bad, dude. So bad. Jets were off this week so Dee only had to suffer one loss, but now she faces her boyfriend and the Jets face the Patriots so this could very well be the single best or single worst week twelve of their life. ---- 9(9). E - Peeled Eggplant ELIMINATED Bench Points - 10.70 TPS - 166.27 APT - 2-5 GOT - 6 PUTenP - 5 POTweP - 3 2015 Week 12 Ranking - 9 All four of the bottom teams lost this week, but none as bad as Peeled. This is the third eight-loss season for PE and the second in a row, after being projected to finish with double digit wins. To their credit, they set their lineup and put up a small fight early on. But Paddock pulled away and the rest is history. Peeled was eliminated the same week as momma but could still end up finishing last if they lose to the tenth place team in week twelve. ---- 10(10). E - Ma ma momma said ELIMINATED Bench Points - 55.26 TPS - 234.15 APT - 1-7 GOT - 4 PUTenP - 3 POTweP - 4 2015 Week 12 Ranking - 2 Momma said better luck next season. This is the worst year for the team since 2011, when they had 10 losses. Losing out gives them 11 losses. By the transitive property, that is worse than 10 losses. So this really could end up being the worst season in their storied history. However, if they can get it together they can control their fate in the 2017 draft and maybe grab a guy that won’t break his knees opening week. Like a runningback under the age of 40. Theme of the Week-Family Matters Absolutely BRUTAL theme this week. Thanksgiving is a time to come together and pay respects to the millions of Indians who we slaughtered in order to shit in their tents and build NFL stadiums on their sacred lands. But it is also a time for family and friends. And what better way to tell someone you love them than to knock their asses out of the playoffs? That is the power that RIP and GBM have this week. RIP vs. Dee should be full of fireworks. RIP would have BARELY beaten Dee this week, so don’t go and think this is a guaranteed win for RIP. Then you have GBM vs. Papa’s Posse, a rematch of the father/son matchup from earlier this season that went the way of Garoppoblow Me. If they win, Papa is done. But if they lose, they could lose a bye spot. And they really do need a bye spot. Then you have Jar Jar vs. The Shotti Bunch, two Joe’s who have a lot to fight for. Jar Jar, as I said earlier, is undefeated against Shotti. But Shotti does not lose three weeks in a row. Whoever loses will have a ton on the line in week thirteen. Whoever wins can breathe a little easier. Momma vs. Peeled is a fight for 9th place, the most meaningless matchup probably ever. Neither team has a shot at anything, but maybe there is some pride on the line? Maybe? Finally, Zach vs. Pat… MATCHUP OF THE WEEK: Raw vs. Smackdown When the two met earlier this season we had our most shocking finish of the year. Paddock 9 beat MVP because of kneeldowns by QB Derek Carr. Now the two rising franchises meet up for the grudge match in a more important and more dramatic week twelve fight. Which will get the call up from NXT to the main roster? P9 has gone full heel, a villain by his own choice. He has forsaken the Fantasy Gods and wants to win it all to show that they do not have unlimited power. MVP has never given up on his season. He has won under the radar all year, almost like we couldn’t see him. He has respected the game and been loyal to his players. He is...oh my god he’s John Cena. All eight teams still alive for playoffs will somehow be effected by the outcome. Shotti, RIP, and GBM are all Paddock 9 fans this week, while Dee, Papa, and Jar Jar are MVP fans. Action kicks off with Big Ben Thanksgiving night and ends Monday night with Aaron Rodgers. This should be a back and forth drawn out drama with the season ultimately hanging on the performance of the Green Bay Packers against the seventh ranked Philly defense. Will MVP Reign like Roman or be inactivated like Erick Rowan? Can Paddock 9 take a step closer to being the champion like AJ Styles or will he have to relinquish power like Finn Bálor? No game has more implications on the rest of the league than this one and I cannot wait to see what happens. Happy Thanksgiving As I write this sentence it is Thanksgiving morning and I can hear the Cranston East vs. Cranston West football game announcer through my window. I guess their stadium is like a block away. I should be helping my mom prepare some meals or some shit for dinner but fuck that, rankings need to get done. Life is good. I'm grateful every day I have you stupid motherfuckers (and also that I'm not black, gay, Hispanic, Native American or Hillary Clinton). Eat a lot of turkey, get annoyed with a bunch of family members, and don't forget to set your lineups. The Fantasy Gods are watching.